Updated: Dec 29, 2020
Sitting in silence has been something I've been practicing my entire life. More recently, I call it meditation. Before that, I called it daydreaming.
I never involved a mudra or a chant.
It was me alone, quietly reflecting.
It was my personal "down time" and needed throughout my life.
Since June, I have not been sitting regularily.
I do feel the difference in my nervous system, it shows up in my digestion, and it shows up as anxiety.
When you step away from practices that you know supports you, how does your body tell you?
Is it in your shoulders?
Does it sit in your low back?
Do you need to stop your day for headaches?
Do you reset due to insomnia?
These last few months, I've realized my meditation practice had become very much connected to my preparation to hold a container for you.
In June, when I realized I wouldn't reopen as planned, with that interruption to what has been 10 years of planning, study and development, I fell into a period of deep grief. I stopped sitting in silence. I stopped daydreaming. But after a time, I started to see at first perceived failure as something else.
This is great learning.
It shows me where I connected my being to care for clients rather than to care for myself. It reveals for me the thread of that commitment and the cost of that construct. I seek a healthy separation between self and you, so this shows me where I have work - pattern of restriction.
And I'm thankful for the lesson, as hard as it has been.
The break I've taken from meditation has also allowed me to focus in different ways I had set aside, to engage further in our world, to take action where I'm able, to see my blindspots and to slow down and listen when I feel irritated, agitated or annoyed.
It has encouraged me to feel comfortable to say "no" when boundaries are violated.
To use my voice when needed. To speak up.
It is clarity.
Enough is enough, afterall.
I aim to strike a balance between these two parts of myself,
to live with value equally shared between reflection and action.
I'm focusing to find peace in my body through sitting in silence daily again, adjusting diet to literally help digest everything that has flipped, while applying peace found into purposeful action through my weekly writing and calling commitments.
Thank you for being with me here and in session.
Remember to use your voice this November by voting.